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Who's Your Daddy

Win/Win New Year’s resolutions

The gym I attend was open for half a day on Thanksgiving. My work had less to do with dedication to fitness and more to do with wanting to keep my perfect attendance record – never underestimate the power of OCD. I was surprised at how crowded it was, but I didn’t recognize anyone. None of the people I see every weekday morning were there.

That made me think: 2017 is just around the corner, and I suspect I’m going to see a whole cast of new faces at the gym – at least for a couple of weeks until they abandon their New Year’s Resolution. After all, studies show nine out of 10 people fail to keep resolutions. Only one person turns their resolution into a new habit.

Since I’ve always been pretty good about keeping my resolutions (thanks, again OCD), I’ve decided to suggest some resolutions to people who would really benefit from some self-improvement.

President-elect Donald Trump: Quit flipping out every time Saturday Night Live spoofs you. It’s only going to make them do it more! And while you’re at it, make friends with some gay people; they’ll help you with your spray tan and that horrible hair.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence: Stop being such a jerk to LGBT people and our families. Reparative therapy is a crock. It’s dangerous and makes you look like an idiot.

Senator Orrin Hatch: Keep your promise. You know, the one you made back in 1976 to serve only two terms. Yeah. Time to keep that promise.

Governor Gary Herbert and Attorney General Sean Reyes: End your penchant for wasting taxpayer money trying to defend unconstitutional anti-gay legislation. You guys spent well over $1 million fighting for a ban on same-sex marriage that a first-year law student could have told you would be ruled unconstitutional. Don’t repeat your folly by wasting the taxpayers’ hard-earned money by trying to defend a stupid trans* bathroom ban.

Representative LaVar Christensen: Get a new hobby. It looks like you won re-election by a handful of votes – literally. Read between the lines: your constituents think you’re goofy. You’re obsessed with gay people; that unhealthy obsession makes you write stupid legislation like Amendment 3 and your attempts to define a family as a mom, dad and kids. Why not give the homophobia a rest and take up knitting instead this year?

Fundamentalist “Christians:” Start living those tenets you claim are so darn important to you. Jesus advocated love, compassion and acceptance. Yet you guys elected the racist, self-absorbed, homophobic dick wads headed to the White House. See the disconnect?

The Sutherland Institute: Try to see the happiness in life. You guys are an enormous drag. The 21st century is a very different place than the 18th century, and our country’s Constitution should reflect a modern society. Otherwise, African Americans are only 3/5 of a person and voting is limited to land-owning white men. Wait, you probably agree with both those ideas, don’t you?

Gayle Ruzicka/Utah Eagle Forum: Reassess your priorities. Are my marriage and my family really so threatening to you? I mean compared to a Zombie Apocalypse are we really that scary? Maybe you should reassess your priorities. Which is more important to you: clean air for your grandchildren to breath and a topnotch and affordable healthcare system to save their lives, or a couple of married gay guys minding their own business raising their kids?

Think of what a great year 2017 will be if just one of my suggested resolutions becomes a habit. I’d call that a win/win.

Happy Holidays, everybody!

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Christopher Katis

Christopher Katis

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