By D’Anne Witkowski
Hi there! What are you up to? Me, I’m just reading about the Republican plan to “repeal and replace” the Affordable Care Act that will end up bankrupting and killing people. But first I was reading about the plan to separate women from their children at the border to learn them a lesson for being illegals. Fun times are these.
Hey, they don’t call the Republicans pro-life and pro-family for nothing, amirite?
But enough about the country and maybe the world falling apart. Let’s talk about what a dum-dum brains Rachel Maddow is.
Full disclosure: I watch Maddow’s show as often as I can. I’ve read “Drift,” her book about the military. I find her insightful, funny, super hot, and, above all, brilliant.
But then I heard Christian sportz radio talker Dave Daubenmire tell me that she’s A IDIOT.
During his March 2 broadcast Daubenmire complains that some people think he’s dumb. He lashes out at “those people, those elitists, people who go to university.”
“They think they’re smarter than everybody else,” he says. But they’re not! Because only people dumb as rocks would pay for some kind of fancy learnin’ education.
“What we’re seeing going on in the American society today is the adoration of knowledge,” he continues, apparently unaware that Trump’s election win indicates that a big part of “American society today” isn’t so hot for brains right now.
And to prove that he’s the smartest (but not, like, elitist smart), he wants to debate… Rachel Maddow?
“I’d love to get on there with that man/woman/man, what’s her name? On MSNB-Sin? Maddow!” he says. “I’d love to get on there with that dude.”
“Hey, Rachel, are you listening? I’m supposed to take advice from you and you don’t even know that you’re supposed to love a man?” he continues. “You’re telling me that you’re on MSNBC and you’re giving advice to the world and you don’t even know who you’re supposed to love? Are you kidding me? You don’t even know how plumbing works?
Ooh! Sick burn! Maddox doesn’t even know the biblical equation of penis+vagina=love. I mean, that’s got to be the only reason she isn’t a raging heterosexual, right? Because of her homodumbness? Talk about a leztard!
Now, you might be tempted to point out that Maddow went to Stanford. That she was a Rhodes Scholar. That she has a doctorate from the University of Oxford. That she has, you know, her own TV show on a major network. That she’s written a best selling book. But then you’d just be worshipping the human brain instead of the human Jesus, now wouldn’t you?
But ask yourself, does she have her own YouTube video movie show like Daubenmire? No. No, she does not.
Does she harass Target store employees because Target doesn’t force transgender people to pee behind the building by the dumpsters AS GOD INTENDED and then capture this harassment with Blair Witch Project-style camera phone footage like Daubenmire?
Does Maddow wear dollar store glasses? I don’t know, but Daubenmire does and he mentions it more than once during his March 2 broadcast for some reason.
Does Maddow know that Obama and Hillary Clinton are controlled by demons? That God “supernaturally intervened” to make Trump president? That chemtrails and Pizzagate are real? That public education is “the spiritual raping of children?” That Satan orchestrated the Super Bowl performances of both Katy Perry and Lady Gaga? Because if she’d been listening to Daubenmire for the past couple of years she’d Know the Truth.
During his March 2nd show, still directly addressing Maddow, Daubenmire asks, “You’re the smart one and I’m the dumb one?”
I’M GONNA GO WITH YES.
D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.