The road to a show stopping physique is fraught with danger and excitement.

Last month I had the great fortune to sing with The Salt Lake Men’s Choir at Third Friday Bingo. Since I only get the chance to sing with the choir once or twice a year, I’m always shocked at how much of an obstacle my “Breasticles” become when trying to hold and read a music folder. I couldn’t see the music, as my sizable “Bazoombas” were in the way. If I held my music folder above my “Twin Peaks” then I could not see the director. So, about halfway through the second verse I decided that if I just lay my music folder directly on top of my “Play Stations,” they became an excellent music stand.

I have learned to have the greatest sympathy for heroically proportioned ladies such as Dolly Parton and Mae West. A substantial rack of “Sweater Puppies” can be a rather painful obstacle to carefree living. I actually measured my bust with a tape measure for this column. With my “Tah-Tahs” at full erection, complimented with average attachable “Cupcakes” they measure 75 double-E. In comparison, Mae West had 32-C “Bubbles” and Dolly Parton has 40 double-D “Jiggles. ” I didn’t realize that I was so much larger than them, however, I’ve got the lower back pain to prove it.

Those of you who have ever ridden the Big Gay Fun Bus to Wendover with me, and have seen me try and eat at the buffet can attest that my “Power Puffs” make eating almost impossible, especially when the “Muskmelons” are topped off with sizable exchangeable “Tree Toppers.” (God bless Eli Whitney for inventing interchangeable parts.) I have discovered through a lifetime of trial and error, and many a food-stained gown, that it is necessary to drape a napkin over the top of each “Chest Anchor” before even attempting the first bite of food. Sometimes, it is even necessary to remove the interchangeable “Show Stoppers” from the tips and place them aside on the table. At that juncture, if I use the largest size of plate possible, and place the plate straddling between both “Sweater Muffins,” it creates an excellent serving tray. The food is located very close to it’s intended destination, and I can shovel it in efficiently without much spillage. Sometimes, like when at the Pride Day celebration and there is fair type food to be had on flimsy paper plates that I can’t balance on the “Milk Duds,” I almost need to be hand fed by some compassionate person. Thereby, just like Scarlet O’Hara, I become dependent on the kindness of strangers. Even the act of taking a drink of beverage is challenging, in that I need a very long straw that can reach between the “Lady Lumps” to be able to suck on.

Many of you who have attended Third Friday Bingo will have been witness to my many wardrobe malfunctions. Often, when I’m using my glitter “P” “Knobs” on the ends, they get knocked off their “Tater Tots” and land on the floor. Thus I pee on the floor of the church quite regularly.

Additionally, there is the whole issue of being able to visit the restroom. First of all, it is often difficult to fit through doorways. And It is outright unmanageable to fit into a port-a-potty at the Pride Day celebration. Once facing the urinal, it is impossible to see what I’m doing down in the nether region, so I am relegated to doing it all by braille, which sounds simple enough until you bring into consideration the layers and layers of crinoline and the tensile strength of the girdle that must be securely moved to safety and held in place before the flow can begin. Not to mention the fact that because the “Thunder Guns” stick out so far that a sizable distance from the goal is made necessary, thus making the act of elimination that much more of a challenge. Increased pressure is needed to be able to reach the urinal, thereby, sometimes creating the strain to provide said extra pressure can cause dizziness or actual fainting. And number 2 is just out of the question all together. So to avoid this whole restroom issue, I often don’t drink all day, but this has the added danger of becoming subject to dehydration and heat stroke.

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and I came to the shelves where I store my “Show Stoppers.” I counted them up and found that I am in possession of 16 pair of “Tater Tots” in various colors, with about 75 pair of various themed and colored interchangeable nipples.

Because there is such a large monetary investment there, in order to justify their existence, I have come up with several alternative useful things to do with multiple “Pom-Poms” that are udderly creative. Such as: during December, I am able to create a miniature Christmas Tree Forest display, complete with twinkling lights and moving disco tree toppers. I have found that my lighted “Hypno Globes” make brilliant search lights when chasing trespassing teenagers through the darkened halls of the First Baptist Church building. Other uses I have determined include car jacks, ear trumpets, funnels for pouring glitter, and jump starting cars with dead batteries.

This story leaves us with several important questions:

  1. Should I write a book of 101 helpful household uses for “Breasticles”?
  2. Do I need to start buying my bras at AAA Tent and Awning?
  3. Since I need and extended straw to be able to suck a beverage, does that mean that I require an elongated “Schwanshtooker” to be able to &@%*?
  4. When I pee on the floor, can I just pick them back up or do I need to mop?

These and other eternal questions shall be answered in future chapters of the Perils of Petunia Pap Smear.

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About the Author

Petunia Pap Smear

Petunia Pap Smear

Petunia Pap Smear is a Matron of Mayhem who was born and raised in Cache Valley, Utah. She hosts Third Friday Bingo and the Big Gay Fun Bus.

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